Lisbon's Story
by Tabitha of MoonAurora
Summary: We've seen her present, but what about the Past for Agent Lisbon? This is my version of what happened to Agent Lisbon after her mother's death and how she became the strong CBI agent we know in the series. AUish Warning: Abuse, Death, and Rape
1. Past is Prologue

It had all happened so fast, like a whirlwind. She felt like Alice fallen through the looking glass, Dorothy swept away by the tornado. Grief was a foreign land, a place she'd never have to go. Her brief stints into it when she was young, the loss of her cat, the death of her imaginary friend when she was five. Nothing compared to the crashing weight of inexorable pain she felt now. She'd watched her. Watch the driver hit her watched her as they were pushed down the block as the momentum of their car stopped but the other kept going. No one knew she'd been with her. No one knew she'd watched her mother die, watched her eyes dim as life faded from them, held onto her hand while the paramedics came, screamed in desperation as her mother was loaded into another ambulance and it made its way away from her without lights or siren. No one knew how hard she'd fought the EMT that grabbed her and strapped her onto the board in the back of the other ambulance. No one knew, but her. And she was happy to keep it that way, happy to hide away the past that haunted her, happy to pretend it did not matter, happy to say that as the days went by she was fine, always fine. If you asked her how she was that is what she would say. The she was fine. She might even tell you that it was none of your business, but she never was. She could always feel the weight of the world that had fallen onto her shoulders at that moment, that moment when she was twelve. For her, the world had come to an end and she didn't know how to pick it back up again, she didn't know how to continue. Teresa Lisbon was alone in the world, forced to grow up far too soon.


	2. A Carnival Today A Mishap to Follow

Chapter 1

That Moment

They day was dry and sunny. The type of crisp she had grown accustomed to expecting from fall air was all around her and the children of her grade, including her, were out on the playground for recess. Jenna was prodding her in the side but she wasn't paying attention. She was watching a boy toss a football between himself and his friends. She watched it fly too far as her threw it and then jumped sideways as she realized it was about to hit. She and Jenna shrieked and then started laughing. The boy ran over to retrieve his football and threw her a bright smile. She responded with a brilliant blush and ducked her head.

"Hi David!" Jenna called after him, "Teresa would say hi too if you hadn't made her lose her voice."

"Jen!" Teresa gave her a shove.

"What? I was only telling him the truth," Jenna replied, "Hey, are you going to the circus tomorrow. It's supposed to be the best one yet and I hear they have a psychic this year."

"I don't believe in phychics," Teresa looked back after David for a moment and then replied, "Besides, I don't like how they treat the animals."

"Oh come on Tia! Have bit of fun why don't you; it's not all about school and grades,"

"Don't call me Tia, I've told you a million times. Please. And I do have fun I just don't like it when people swindle money out of people," She replied

"Teresa, you're a spoil sport and why worry about a buck, I mean it's only a buck. Please. I know your parents have to work and you will just be home with your brothers and the babysitter. It'll be a lot more fun than watching taped episodes of Sesame Street," Jen was becoming more persuasive.

Teresa considered her options for a moment wondering what the probability of David asking her to go to the circus with him was, "Fine! I'll go, but I'm not doing anything ridiculous, like riding a camel"

The bell rang and they all ran to line up for dismissal.

"Hey Teresa," she heard David's voice come from behind her and felt herself blush again as he addressed her.

"Yeah?" she turned to look at him wondering what he wanted to tell her, since that was what his voice suggested.

"You look nice today,"

She could swear her heart missed a beat and she couldn't figure out how to make her mouth work. She could feel her stomach churning excitedly but personally she decided it was making her feel sick instead of happy. Finally she managed to squeak thanks in a voice that was very unlike hers.

The rest of the day passed uneventfully. She got off the bus with two of her younger brothers, Evann, six and Shane, nine, at four fifteen the way she did every day. The only difference from her usual routine was that this year she was coming from the Middle School rather than the elementary. She made her way up to her room without a word and placed her bag over the back of her chair. Teresa decided that she didn't want to work on her homework right that second so she made her way back downstairs to get her book from the coffee table where she'd left it that morning.

"Hey Tes, how was school?" her dad gave her a hug which she returned as she reached the bottom of the stairs.

"Pretty good really," she replied. When her father called her Tes, she didn't mind. She just didn't like it when anyone else called her it, "We went over the water cycle in science class again. Every year, evaporation, condensation, precipitation. The same circle over and over again, it's a night mare. Other than that though it was great. Oh, before I forget, Jen wants me to go to the circus tomorrow with her. Can I?" she was feeling the slightest bit hopeful that he would say no but he didn't.

"SHANE! Give it back!" Evann ran through the room chasing his older brother. A plastic T-rex dangled from Shane's hand.

"Shane, give it back," her dad ordered.

She watched her younger brother's face fall and he reluctantly handed the plastic T-rex back. Evann shot her a huge, satisfied grin and then ran up the stairs. Shane ran after him and then she heard the ceiling thundering as they ran over it back to the room they shared. Evann was by far her favorite brother. She loved him.

"Hey why are you home so early?" she asked and lean across the counter to grab a banana from the bag her was holding.

"I requested special permission from my boss to prepare food for my thirteenth anniversary," he replied leaning close to her a tough it was a secret.

"You two wasted no time in having me did you?" she commented.

"Tes," he reached forward and messed up the hair on top of her head, "Don't be crude."

"Dad!" she whined, trying desperately to flatten her hair and bangs again.

"Deal with it!" he ordered playfully before gesturing with his left hand, "Now go find your book."

She walked away with a smile on her face and lifted her book from the table. As she did so, she happened to glance at the clock. Her mother would be home in an hour. Maybe she could ask about possibly going on a date with David if he were to propose the idea. It wasn't as though he was older or any more experienced in the dating world than she was. She trudged up the stairs her nose buried deeply in the book.

It was a Nancy Drew novel, _The Secret of the Old Clock; _she'd read it so many times the spine was starting to fall apart, which wasn't surprising seeing as it had once been her mother's. She knew she was a bit old for the series but things like that didn't matter much to her. She sat down on her bed and then stretched out her eyes never leaving the page she was reading. Before she had noticed and hour had pass and then fifteen more minutes. A car door slammed shut in the driveway. She folded the book closed around her finger and looked out her window. Her mother's station wagon was sitting in the driveway and her mother was getting out.

"Tes!" her father's voice called up the stairs, "Could you keep your mom busy for a little bit while I finish cooking?"

"Yeah!" she replied and placed a book marker in the book.

She flew down the stairs and met her mother at the door. Maria Lisbon was holding a bag of groceries under one arm and a brief case in the other. She looked rather irritated and set the groceries down on the chair by the door and her keys in the glass bowl in the phone stand. Teresa gave her a hug.

"Resa, you look like you have something to say," Her mother held her away from her to look her over.

She grinned at her mom, "Actually I have something to ask."

"Oh, you sound very serious. What is this about and can it wait?" her mom replied, "I have to put away these groceries.

"Have Shane do it," she supplied and opened her mouth to call her brother.

"Teresa!" she received a thump on the back of her head from her mother, "What has gotten into you?" she paused, "Shane! Could you put away these things for me?"

"NO!" a voice yelled from the other room, "Can't Tes do it?"

"Don't call me Tes, booger!" Teresa turned and yelled.

"I'll call you whatever I want dirty wh-"

"SHANE!" her mother yelled, "I don't know where you heard that kind of language but you will not be using it in my house, do you understand me? Now get in here and put away the groceries!"

She felt shocked to say the least. It was most probable her brother didn't even know what the name he'd been about to say meant but it stung. Shane stomped into the foyer and grabbed the bag of groceries, giving her a mutinous look as he did so.

"Alright Resa, let's go talk."

Together, she and her mom slipped back through the hallway to her mother's bedroom. She sat down on the bed while her mother went into the closet to take off her work clothes. She came back out a moment later dressed in blue jeans and a sweatshirt.

"Now what is it that you wanted to talk about?" she sat down beside her.

Suddenly she was too worried to ask. For a few seconds she fought herself and won, "I wanted to know what you thought about me starting to date." Her voice was slow and hesitant as she spoke.

Her mother licked her lips and then looked her over. It was clear that her mother was thinking about her as more than just a child now. The woman licked her lips.

"Why?"

"I met this boy at school, his name's David. I've had a crush on him since fourth grade and he's really nice. He talked to me today and said I looked good," she paused, "I just thought that," another pause, "maybe… if he asks me… I could go out… with him… sometime." She finished and looked at her mother.

"I think," the woman looked directly at her and she felt her heart sink, "that you are still a bit too young for me to let you go just yet. I'm sorry, Resa, I know how it feels, but I don't want anything to happen to you and I can't see your heart broken just yet."

For a moment she was angry and then she realized that her mother was probably right. She shouldn't be dating so young, no matter how much she wanted to, "I understand." With a sigh she decided to abandon her father to her mother's mercy.

Her mother seemed to have different ideas though. She pulled her into a tight hug and held her there for a moment.

"Alright, now what has your father planned for tonight?" she asked and the two left the bedroom together laughing.

Teresa rode beside a chattering Jen in the car all the way to the circus. The tent was set up at the base of the college campus and it appeared that a party was going on in one of the dorms. Jenna's parents obviously weren't as protective as her own because they gave them thirty dollars to spend and ten for tickets.

"I mean David thinks the world of you. You should really go out with him. I can't imagine that he would want to go out with anyone else. He's like totally in love with you and…" Jenna glanced over at her.

She was watching the animals in the cages stare wistfully out at the people walking past them. With a shiver saw that out of all of them, there was one tiger that was pacing it's time cage.

"Are you OK?" Jen asked.

"Yeah, but my mom said I can't date until I'm older," she replied.

"You're joking! My mom said I could date last year!" Jen looked terribly surprised, "Well that doesn't matter because neither of our parents are here and it doesn't really constitute as dating if we just happened to run across someone does it?"

"Jen! We can't do that," she looked at her friend, "You didn't!"

"I couldn't resist!" Jen replied and dragged her toward the tent.

"Jen, I kinda understood why my mom didn't want me dating. She doesn't want me getting hurt. Anything could happen," she protested.

"Oh come on! You are such a stickler for the rules. You never let yourself have any fun!"

"I do too have fun!" she snapped back at her friend, "for instance: let's go ride and elephant."

"Oh yes, because that's soooo much fun," the sarcasm was plain in Jen's voice.

"Actually it can be quite fun," a voice sounded from behind her and a hand touched her shoulder.

The voice was male and cracked slightly. She turned around, looking over the shoulder that had been touched and saw nothing. She looked over the other and jumped. A curly-haired blonde boy, probably a year or two older than her, was standing right beside her.

"Come on, I'll show you two lovely ladies to the elephants," he gave them very little chance to refuse because with a grin and swift gesture he was guiding them both, a hand between each of their shoulder blades.

Teresa had never met anyone quite like him and part of her was irritated by his presence. He seemed so proud and impossible to put down. And another part was telling her WOW! He's really hot! The elephants were in sight before she could do anything but allow herself to be limply guided along. With a glance sideways she saw that Jen was blushing furiously and it could not have been clearer that the other girl thought that they had gotten extremely lucky to be in the graces of the teen between them.

"Alright, that'll be five dollars please," the blonde boy walked around to stand before them and held out his hand.

She slid hers into her pocket to grab the money but found it gone. She tried the other and then the jacket pockets just to be sure, "It's gone!" she exclaimed nervously.

"What is?" asked Jenna with the same nervous tone.

"The money!" Teresa replied.

"Ahhh," the blonde boy sighed dramatically, "but is it."

He opened the cash box rather theatrically and there was the ten dollar bill she'd had in her pocket moments before. Then he reached forward with both of his hands and pulled the rest of the money from their left ears. He smiled widely, white teeth showing brilliantly and then handed tem the money. Teresa took it and counted it before realization set in.

"You picked my pocket!" she jammed the money into her sweater pocket and zipped it, "You did! You picked it!"

"Ahhh, you should guard it more carefully, it was quite easy!" the boy replied smoothly and then leaned against the fence, "and your friend here, enjoyed it."

"You can't go around picking people's pockets! I don't care how much they enjoy being robbed." She snapped.

The boy reached out and grasped her upper arm, "Relax. I didn't steal it. You got it all back except for the money in here."

He opened the box to show her again. She glowered angrily at him. She was also slightly shocked by what had happened. Suddenly she noticed his hand was still closed around her upper arm and she prepared to jerk it away. He didn't give her a chance to, letting go of it as though he had been burned. He ran it through his blonde hair seemingly struck speechless for a moment and then walked over to the gate. It led to a ramp that led to a tethered elephant. Jen went before her up the ramp and for a moment she turned to look at the boy. His eyes were a blue green and looked slightly sad, for all the happiness he seemed to project.

"MONKEY BOY!" a voice yelled from somewhere to her left. She saw a man in dark robes standing in the doorway of a tent. He had not one but two cigars in his mouth and she automatically felt that she would not want to be meeting him alone at any time, "HURRY IT UP WOULD YOU? AND STOP FLIRTING WITH VISITORS! THEY CAME TO RIDE THE ELEPHANT, NOT YOU!"

She noted that he also seemed to be a bit more than drunk. The boy in front of her blushed scarlet, and then placed a hand on the back of his neck. She too blushed slightly unsure what to say.

"Ummm, why don't you go and get on the elephant," he suggested quietly and very unlike the flamboyant character she'd met moments before.

"Why don't you come with us?" she suggested taking pity on him.

"I shouldn't. It's not my job. I'm just supposed to take the money," he replied.

"Here then," she handed him another ten, "Take the money and give me the change later."

The smiled he gave her this time was a genuine smile, not one of those kid ones but a real happy smile. He put the money in the metal box and then followed her up the ramp and onto the elephant. He got on first and she followed, not sure why she felt like she should be close to him. She sat down behind him, her legs sticking out on both sides and her body pressed completely against his back as Jenna got on. She knew her friend had sat so close on purpose, just to make her feel uncomfortable. On and impulse she wrapped her arms low around his waist and then relaxed against him. The boy seemed taken aback by this and queued the elephant to move forward. They lumbered slowly around the little paddock for a while and then all three got off.

Teresa looked back at the boy as she and Jenna walked away. She didn't want to leave him behind. Monkey Boy, she thought. She wondered why they called him that. Was it because he could do tricks? Maybe because he was good at climbing. She dropped the subject as Jenna struck up a conversation.

"Well he couldn't take his eyes off you," she teased, "Teresa they all love you. Boys simply fall at your feet." She did a terrible impression of a southern accent and then pretended to swoon.

"Jen stop it. He was not looking at me that much," she was blushing and her friend wasted no time in calling her on it.

"Look at Teresa! She told me off for talking about going on an 'accidental' date and now look at her. She's looking like a tomato now. All for a carnival boy!" Jenna laughed, "and you did plenty of looking yourself."

"Jen," she groaned.

"I'm just saying that if I were you I would go back there and kiss him," Jen suggested.

"That's why I'm not you. We don't even know what is name is!" she returned.

"Oh come on! You're telling me that after a long bit of making out you don't think he'd tell you his name?"

"I'm not going to go making out with people I just met and certainly not if I don't know their name." she cried in surprise. She hadn't realized Jen was like this.

"You know, you really would be good at crashing parties," Jen commented, "and then burning them."

Teresa sighed and glanced back over her shoulder again. The boy was still there at the elephant ride, and to her surprise he was staring after them, his hand on the back of his head. She smiled and then waved. She saw the white flash of his teeth and then turned away again.

"What was that?" Jen asked and glance over her own shoulder.

"Nothing," she lied and then said, "Hey look, pony rides!"

The pony rides proved a good distraction for her, as did the camel ride and the place where a man sat telling gypsy tales. She always loved Gypsy stories. They were always such interesting plots. Then they came to the booth with the psychic. Jen pulled her into the tent immediately. She noticed that there were two people occupying the tent space. One was a woman with heavy eye shadow and dark hair that hung in waves past her waist and the other was none other than the blonde haired boy. She dropped her gaze to the ground immediately and then returned it as Jen nudged her. Her cheeks were slightly pink and she felt like hiding after making herself seem so interested in him. He stepped forward and held out four dollars.

"What, no pick pocketing this time?" she teased.

He grinned, "Best I can do on such short notice."

"You owe me five," she replied.

"I took the dollar getting you fortune read costs away, so that is five," he explained.

"May I go first?" Jen cut in.

"Yes, my dear, sit yourself down on the stool before me," the woman waved a hand at the blonde boy and he grabbed her upper arm again and took her outside.

"What-" she turned to him.

"A fortune must be read to the person and the person only," he explained.

"Oh," her brow furrowed and she looked up at him noting that he was a good deal taller than her.

"What is your name?" he asked suddenly, his eyes were looking at her curiously.

"Teresa," she replied without thinking.

"Well, Teresa, would you like me to read your fortune?" he offered.

"You just said we had to be alone for you to read my fortune," she contradicted.

"My tent's right over there," he replied, pointing.

She looked in the direction he indicated and then back at him. He moved toward it and she followed without thought. The flap of the tent was held open with a leather tie and inside it smelled faintly of herbs and tea. She smiled at how stereotypical it was. He sat down at a table in a small chair and indicated she should take the one across from him. She obliged.

"Give me your hand and then look at me. I have to be able to read your mind so relax," he let out a breath.

Nervously she placed a hand on the table and he turned it upright touching only her thumb and pinky. Teresa raised her eyes from her hand to his face and did her best not to blush.

"Good, now, just to prove how good I am," he grinned, "I'm going to ask you a question and you think of the answer. Don't say it just think of it. I'll tell you what the answer is and you tell me whether my answer is correct."

She nodded numbly wondering how she'd managed to get herself into this.

"Alright then. Do you look like your mother?" he asked.

Yes. She thought. Everyone showed her pictures of how her mother looked when she was her age and when she was at family reunions, something she dreaded, she always got comments about how much she looked like her, right down to the eye color.

"Yes, you do. I can see you mother is very beautiful." He commented.

She wondered whether he'd added the last part just as a side comment or whether he actually meant it as a compliment.

"You had a fifty-fifty chance of getting it right," she said, blushing a bit darker.

"Alright, I'll ask you one that I have a million to one chances," he said, "What is your dog's name?"

It took everything in that she had not to smile. He'd get this one wrong if he guessed a name because she didn't have a dog. She'd never had a dog. Her mother didn't like them; she said they left too much hair.

"You don't have a dog." He answered.

This time she just stared at him. How had he… there had to have been something to tip him off.

"How did you do that?" she asked, amazed though still slightly skeptical.

"Ahhh, a magician, or psychic, never reveals his secrets," he shut it down, "Now let's see about your fortune.

"Are you charging me for this?" she asked suddenly.

"Not unless you want to pay," he answered.

"No, I don't,"

He looked at her for a moment and then started to speak again. He glanced down at her hand and then ran a finger along the lines in it. She chewed on her lip wondering why she felt so uncomfortable. Her eyes watched his finger tracing the lines of her hand and noted that his eyes were closed.

"Tonight, I think, will be a great night. A night of romance and pain. You will see things you cannot explain and shouldn't try to," he sounded completely normal, as though he was just making normal conversation, "You are a strong young woman Teresa and you will need that."

He looked up and let out a breath. She sat across from him staring curiously at his face. He seemed so much older than her really was. Like a figure from a photo of the fifties. He was still holding her hand, though this time it was with a more entire grasp. She felt like they sat like that for ages and couldn't figure out why no one came looking for her. Finally she stood from her seat and walked toward the door with a smile. A hand closed softly around her upper arm and turned her toward its owner. It seemed to be becoming a pattern.

This time she was closer to him than she had been the other few times. He slid his hand up her arm to her shoulder and then down onto the small of her back and pulled her forward. Quite suddenly his lips touched hers and quite suddenly she was aware that she had no idea what to do. He didn't seem to quite know either. He stepped back away from her and broke the contact for a moment. She thought that for her first kiss it wasn't bad. But why this boy that she'd just met? Why- She stopped thinking as she felt his lips press to hers again. WOW! She wondered whether he'd done this before and assumed he probably had. She didn't quite know what to do again but she did lean forward into him as he pulled away this time.

"RESA!"

Teresa was still feeling a bit light headed from his kiss and she didn't fully comprehend her name being called. The blonde boy didn't seem to notice either and he initiated another kiss. She found herself becoming braver and responding. He clearly had experience because as she started to respond he spread his lips slightly and slowly ran him tongue along her lips.

"RESA- ohmygod!"

Teresa leapt away from the blonde boy, whose free hand flew immediately to the back of his neck. She felt heat creep into her face and arms, which she crossed tightly over her chest. The boy seemed to only know how to stutter. Jenna had a hand covering her mouth and her eyes were wide.

"I- Resa, commun. The show's about to start," Jen stepped forward and pulled her from the tent.

Teresa didn't know what to do now. Jen seemed furious and she had a right to be. No friend expected to walk into a tent and see their friend very openly having her mouth explore by another person. She followed her without a fight. Once they were on the other side of the huge central tent Jen stopped her.

"Teresa, I never thought I'd say this, but you need to slow down," Jenna was looking scared to say the least.

"What?" she asked not sure she knew what her friend meant.

"Don't play dumb. If I hadn't come in when I did, what would have happened?" Jen asked, "I never thought you were one who started when they were twelve but I guess you are."

"JEN!" she felt beyond shocked. The thought that had crossed her friend's mind had no relevance what so ever to what she'd been doing.

"We need to go home. I can't deal with this," Jen was not being supportive at all, "Come with me; there's a payphone over here."

Her mother's car pulled up to the exit of the circus yard, but Teresa ignored it for a moment. A moment that she later regretted with all of her heart. A hand had grasped hers and turned her around. Jenna had been too late to catch it. The blonde boy kissed her once on the lips and once on the cheek and then let her go. Jen dragged her from the scene and out to the car.

"I'll see you tomorrow Teresa," she got into her parent's car and they drove from the parking lot.

She looked back over her shoulder as she climbed into the car and smiled. Her flashed her a white grin and then turned into the carnival.

"Teresa," her mother started as they left the parking lot and drove onto one of the main road, "Do you remember what I said last night?"

She nodded looking at the floor of the car. Her hand slid into her pocket and wrapped around a note. She pulled it out and read it.

_To Teresa,_

_Call me, _

_Patrick Jane, resident psychic in training_

"Who was that teenager that kissed you as you left?" her mother asked and she was glad she could tell the truth and not just make up a name.

"Patrick. His name was Patrick. He's a psychic," she replied.

Her mother looked at her as they pulled to a stop at an intersection. The woman looked at her. She glance up and then back down. The light turned green and they pulled forward.

What came next was all in slow motion. Teresa looked at her mother just in time to see the lights of the other car and see that the other driver was talking to his friends. She heard the long squeal of tires as he glanced back too late to stop and stepped on the brake. She saw her mother let go of the wheel. The car seemed to fold, everything bending to withstand the impact. She hit her head off the window, but not hard enough to cause her more than a head ache. Glass shattered and somehow managed to hit her. She cried out in terror as she watched her mother be pulled into the folding side of the car. She could feel the pavement sliding under the car as they slid across the intersection and into a telephone pole, which stopped the car moving.

Teresa sat still for a moment wondering if she was still alive. Blood ran down from a cut above her eye and partially impeded her vision. Through her good right eye, she saw her mother. The seatbelt barely clung to her limp body. It was clearly the only thing keeping her upright. Blood was coursing from a wound in her side and it looked to her as though the door handle had come loose and gone into it.

She saw her mother stir and then wake. The beautiful woman she'd looked up to her whole life let out a scream of pain and she reached forward to take her hand. Her mother was struggling to breath and now she was coughing. Her mother gave a particularly hard cough and something hot sprayed all over her daughter. Tears were running down Teresa's face as she looked at her mother lying there in the seat. Blood trickled out of the corner of her mouth and down onto her hand. The tears that dripped from her face were pink and sometimes red with the blood that came from the cut of her eye and the blood that covered her face from her mother's occasional fits of coughing. Quite suddenly, the cough was replaced but gasping and then by small pitiful wheezes and then it faded so the only sound in the compartment of the car were the sobs that escaped Teresa as she stared at her mother's blank, lifeless, bloodshot eyes.

Ambulances arrived and she fought the man who dragged her away from her mother's body. Her held tight to her and carried her to one of the ambulances. Two people picked up her mother and put her into another ambulance. It left first and fear and grief filled her as the sound of a siren and the colors of the lights did not sound. She, collapsed onto the gurney that was in the ambulance and let the tears roll down out of her eyes, silently staining the sheets of the gurney, red.

a/n- well this is my take on what happened to Lisbon. I went a little AU but hey, you gotta have Jane in there somewhere. I missed him but he probably won't be back again. This story is really filled with adult material after about the third chapter (the one that comes up as number four) because you can't do an accurate description of Lisbon's life without including the abuse. I hope I didn't go too overboard with descriptions. I was just writing what I think happened. (or should have happen in the case of the circus.) (by the way, the whole thing with Jane being with a circus is not my creation. It's actually stated in the episode Red Handed that Jane travelled with his father for several years in a circus.) Fit's doesn't it? Anyway please tell me what you think. This story is going to be very dark, just a warning.


	3. A Ghost of What Was

"Teresa!" her father's voice called to her from what seemed like a faraway place.

She was sleeping. It had been so peaceful so quite. It wasn't a school day, so why was he waking her up? She cracked her eyes open and saw bright lights glare into her vision. Artificial lighting that wasn't anything like what was in her room shown into her face. Her head immediately started aching.

Her father's head came suddenly into her vision. There were tears on it. His eyes were red and puffy and he seemed desperate and panicky. She pushed herself up and then remembered. The accident. Her mother was dead, gone, stolen from her. Everything seemed insignificant. A fresh wash of tears ran over her face and her father enfolded her in his arms, pulling her tightly against him. She cried into his shoulder. The stitches above her eye pulled each time she blinked to clear the tears out of her eyes.

"Teresa, are you alright?" her father pulled her away from him to look at her.

She nodded still unable to stop crying.

"I'll take you home soon alright, Tes, I'll take you home," his face was red and his voice was cracking but she felt so safe with her dad by her.

She leaned against his shoulder again and sobbed for a long time. Finally she recovered herself and made several incoherent attempts to speak before managing a sentence.

"Shane, Evann and Davy, are they alright?" she looked at him, raising one hand to and wiping the tears from her eyes.

"They're at home asleep with Mrs. Nelson watching them," he replied.

"Did you tell them?" she asked, suddenly afraid he hadn't.

"No, I couldn't do it, and I didn't know what had happened to you," he replied holding her head against his chest.

She looked up at her dad for a moment and then down again. She didn't want her brothers to have to go through this. She didn't want to see the pain in their faces when her dad told them their mother was dead. What would they do? Davy! Poor Davy, just barely two years old would barely remember his own mother.

"Alright, Teresa," the nurse walked in seeming unpleasantly upbeat, "You are free to go once your father signs these release forms. You're doing well."

The nurse handed her dad the clipboard and then she spoke again, "You'll make an appointment with your doctor to remove the stitches but you can leave when you want." She took the signed release forms from her father and then left.

Teresa looked at him. He didn't seem to know what to do with himself. She pulled herself together with a big intake of breath and got down from the bed. She had on a hospital gown and wondered what had happened to her clothes. Turning, she saw them lying on a chair. She could feel another set of tears coming and her throat was closing again but she wasn't going to let it come through. She would be strong for a little while. She would shut out her feelings and hold up her dad until he was ready to stand on his own.

She went to the chair and picked up the jeans and shirt. The white shirt was blood spattered and then jeans likewise dirtied. She bit hard into her lip so she wouldn't cry and then walked into the bathroom to change. She slid the bloody clothes on and looked at herself in the mirror. A line of ten stitches was on her forehead above her left eye. Her clothes appeared like she'd come through the Texas Chainsaw Massacre and her eyes were filled with tears she was barely holding back. She also noticed that she was pale, possibly from the stress and fear of what had just happened to her. As she thought about it she felt sick and was glad she hadn't had dinner the previous day. Licking her lips and tasting a small amount of blood she went back out into the room.

Her father was sitting on the bed, slumped over, his head in his hands. He looked hopeless and lost. She wondered how they would get home with him so distracted. She certainly couldn't drive, she hadn't even tried. Teresa walked over and laid a hand on his shoulder, rousing him from his half conscious state.

"Can we go home now?" she asked in a quiet voice, but also in a commanding one.

He stood and nodded at her, wrapping and arm around her shoulders.

The drive home took an hour and by the time they got there it was well into the evening. She was surprised they'd not kept her overnight for observation but didn't mind. She would rather be home with her brothers. They drove past the circus and saw it was just starting to light up for the night. Curiosity drove her to half heartedly look for the blonde boy but she didn't see him. Maybe he'd gotten in trouble or was just working his posts around the carnival. They came to an intersection and her whole body tensed, immediately alert for anything. They pulled out into the four way and then across without anything happening but she remained fearful the entire way to the house.

She pushed open the door and Mrs. Nelson greeted her with a sad gaze accompanied by a firm hug. The elderly woman turned to her dad.

"If you need anything, you need me to watch the children for an afternoon, don't hesitate to call," the woman left and tottered down the road.

Teresa watched her leave and then made her way to the stairs. She had to get away. She had to take off the clothes and fold them up. She would figure out what to do with them some other time but right now she didn't want to be wearing her mother's blood. It felt like a haze now, the events of the previous night seemed to be vanishing from her memory. There were little things she could remember but nothing she could clearly. It all seemed to fade as though it had happened many years ago.

She was in her room and taking off her clothes. She winced as her hand brushed over her stitches and her white shirt caught on them. Within minutes she was wearing sweat pants and a sweatshirt. There was a knock on her door and she opened it.

"Tes," it was her dad, "I'm going to go out for a little while, okay honey. You know how to make dinner. I need to make some arrangements for a funeral. I'll see you in a bit."

She nodded numbly. He'd never seemed so lost. It was as though he was a ghost and nothing was there but smoky, opaline, fragments. He turned in the door way and she walked back to her bed and sunk into it. She could hear her brothers downstairs in the living room blissfully playing, completely unaware anything had happened. She knew that they would figure it out if they weren't told but she couldn't let that happen. Someone had to tell them.

A scream rang down the hallway and she pulled herself up from her desk chair and walked out the door. In the room at the end of the hall was Davy. The little boy had evidently just woken up and wanted out of his crib. She reached over the rail and pulled him out. He seemed content after that and relaxed as she placed him on her hip to carry him. Licking her lips, she tried to find the proper way to tell her brothers what had happened. It was up to her, all of it. She had to help them for a while.

"Resa!" Evann bounced to his feet as she came into the room, his toy truck forgotten.

Shane also stood though with less excitement. He still seemed to be happy to see her though. Evann enfolded her in a hug, which she returned, one handedly. It was Shane's turn to give her a hug and he did briefly and then let go. He looked at her.

"Awesome stitches," he commented, "How'd you get them? Were you really in a car accident?"

She choked back a sob at his enthusiasm. How could she tell him what had happened? How could she say that their mother was gone and she wasn't coming back? Instead of answering, she set Davy down on the couch and walked into the kitchen. She was going to make ravioli. It would take her mind off things. She pulled a pan from the cupboard and filled it with water. Then she turned on the stove and placed the pot on the burner. Evann came out to the kitchen and climbed onto a stool.

"What's wrong, Resa?"

She looked up and realized she was crying again. She took a deep breath and then walked over to her brother. Her hand found its way to her face and she wiped it dry.

"Evann, something happened," she started, and found herself choking up already, "Mom's gone, she won't be coming home."

Before her little brother could protest, shake his head, jump off the stool and scream, she wrapped her arms around him and held him there. Tears that were not hers dampened the neck of her shirt and the front of her shoulder. Evann was sobbing, hard, and taking great ragged breaths. He was very mature for his age and she knew it would affect him a lot, but she hadn't expected to be forced to hold her favorite little brother as though she was his mom.

The pot she'd placed on the stove was boiling over. She released Evann and saw that Shane was there too. He'd heard the whole thing. His hand was on the counter, and there were tears streaming down his face. She turned off the stove and then walked over to him ignoring the hiss of the water. She pulled his face against her and held him there as he too cried. She could feel his shoulders shaking against the arm that she had wrapped around them. He was a rather skinny, wiry child and not hard to wrap her arms around even if he was almost the same height as her.

She knew that they wouldn't want dinner. She didn't even want dinner. She poured the scalding water down the sink and filled the pot with soap and water make it look as though they and used it to cook. Done with the deception, she made her way to the living room again, pulling Evann and Shane with her. They sat down on the couch with her and she pulled Davy up onto her lap from the floor.

"Why did she have to go?" Evann moaned and put his cheek against her side as he started crying again.

Teresa lifted and arm and pulled it tightly around him. Davy seemed confused but sat in her lap looking sullen. Shane leaned against her other shoulder and before she knew it they were all asleep. Their tearstained faces made each of them look as though they had been having the same bad dream.

When she woke again it was a Monday and again what had happened hit her like a ton of bricks. She was sitting up on the couch and her brothers were on either side of her. She had no idea what to do now. She felt as though her cheeks had dried out overnight. They were stiff and she realized that they were that way from crying. She felt a fresh wave of sadness hit her but she refused to let it overpower her.

Looking down she saw with slight surprise that Davy was asleep in her lap. This reminded her very much of things that her mother used to do with them when they were sad. She wished more than anything that someone would pull her into their lap and hold her tightly so that she could cry but there was no one to do that.

She stood, picking Davy up and made her way upstairs. He didn't wake as she placed him in the crib. It was 4:18 according to the clock. She glanced into her father's room as she walked back down the stairs only to see that he was not home. She bit her lip again and then made her way into the living room to rouse her brothers. They'd made a mess of the floor she saw so after she'd taken them to their room, she started to straighten up the floor. Anyway that she could keep her mind busy was good for her.

It was 6:00 and she walked back upstairs to get her brothers. They had school and she still ha d seen no sign of their dad. Where was he? She was worrying as she took several inclining steps. Then the door burst open and he stepped in. His hair was a mess and his eyes were unfocused.

She turned around and rushed to help him into a chair. That done, she knelt before him to see what he wanted. Teresa could smell the alcohol on his breath. Within seconds she leapt aside as he vomited onto the carpet. She didn't know what to do but remembered what her mother had done when they were sick. She walked to the kitchen and grabbed a towel from the rack, running it under the water. She brought it to him. He stared at it for a moment as tough he didn't know what to do with it and then looked up at her.

Fear lanced through her as she saw the uncomprehending look on his face. Nothing had prepared her to see her dad this way and she hoped she'd never have to again. She brought her hand forward and took the rag from him. Folding it in half, she ran it over his mouth to wipe away the extra traces of puke from his lips.

"Tes," his voice was hoarse and his eyes still trying to focus on something.

She felt herself holding back tears again.

"Why her? Why her? Why couldn't they have taken someone else?" he croaked and then broke down in drunken sobs.

Teresa didn't know what to do. She certainly couldn't leave Davy here with her father all day. The poor child would be subject to anything, and she couldn't leave their dad in full sight of both of her other brothers either. They would be terrified. She fit her shoulder under his arm and tried to stand him from the chair. When he finally got the message he stood and leaned heavily on her. She could feel her back protesting the strain of supporting a full grown man all the way up the stairs and into his bedroom. She let him go them and shut the door as she left. He flopped down onto the bed.

Tears kept pricking her eyes but she didn't give in to them. With deft steps, she walked to Evann and Shane's room. They were sound asleep and she didn't want to wake them but she knew she had to. Tentatively, she reached a hand forward and shook Evann's shoulder.

"Five more minutes mommy," he mumbled and she felt a squeeze in her heart but she shook him again.

He stirred and then awoke, sitting up and looking rubbing his eyes. She slipped over to Shane and did the same thing.

"We have to get to school." She commented and then left the room.

Walking to the base of the stairs, her eyes caught sight of the phone and she saw the number written on a note, stuck to the mirror. She could call Mrs. Nelson. Quickly, she dialed the number and tapped her foot while she waited for an answer.

"Hello?" the old woman's voice came over the speaker.

"Mrs. Nelson, this is Teresa Lisbon," she replied, "I was wondering if you could come and take Davy to your house for the day. Dad isn't doing very well and I think it would be in all our best interests if he didn't have to care for Davy right now."

"Well of course. I'm so sorry for your loss dear. I'm happy to help in any way I can," the woman replied.

"Thanks, Mrs. Nelson," she was extremely gracious to the elderly woman at the moment, "I'll bring him by in about fifteen minutes."

She hung up and slipped back up the stairs to get Davy changed and dressed. When she returned, her brothers were eating cereal slowly and she had to pull them away from it to get them to the bus stop on time. She carried Davy over a hip to Mrs. Nelson's house four lots down and then returned to the bus stop. Evann was being chatted to by his best friend Derek but he was not responding. Jen met her, and began to talk but stopped when she saw the look on her face.

"Awww, you're not still mad at me are you? What happened to your forehead?" Jenna stepped forward and brushed her fingers hurriedly across her bangs to get and unimpeded view of the stitches.

Teresa winced in pain and she looked down, unable to answer as a lump filled her throat. Luckily she didn't have to because the bus pulled up and saved her. Shane was one of the first people on. Evann waited for her. She took his hand as he approached and then, upon seeing that he was crying, lifted him from the ground. He was a good deal heavier than he was a few years ago. He pushed his head against her shoulder and started to cry again. One glance at Jen's shocked face made her realize just how haggard they must look. She was trying hard to restrain the tears that were resting on her eyelashes but it was to no avail. She felt the hot wetness running down over her cheeks as she boarded the bus. She heard the doors close and sat down, Evann on the aisle, her in the middle and Jen against the window.

"What's wrong, Teresa?" Jen leaned over and whispered in her ear.

"My mother's dead," she replied, "Car accident Saturday night."

Teresa leaned her head against her hands as she started to cry in earnest, doing her best to muffle the sobs. By the time she reached school, she felt sick from all the crying she'd done over the past day and a half. Getting off the bus she was overcome by nausea and ran to the bathroom to throw up. Her thoughts on the matter were that her stomach was unbalanced by the amount of crying she'd been doing and the lack of food she'd been putting in it. She stood and then was forced down again by her stomach which it seemed had deemed it necessary to make her life even more miserable. The bell had rang when she'd finally left the bathroom with Jenna, doing her best to ignore the bitter taste in her mouth and the questions her friend was asking her.

She walked to the classroom and sat at her desk. The teacher continued to talk until lunch came and then she sent them to the cafeteria.

"Resa, are you going to be alright to eat? You were pretty sick this morning," Jenna administered her best tone of concern to the situation.

"I'm not really sick, I've just been crying a lot eventually it upsets your stomach," she replied quietly, not trusting her voice not to break if she spoke much louder than a whisper.

"Have you told anyone besides me about your mother?" Jen asked as she moved to grab a tray.

She shook her head, "I don't know how to."

The bus dropped her off at home at four fifteen as it had every year. She stared at the house, her brothers Evann and Shane beside her. Both looked as though their day had been as terrible as hers. She climbed the stairs of the porch and went up to her room to drop off her homework. Shane was standing at the foot of the stairs an angry red mark across his cheek and Evann bore a bloody nose.

"Shane punched me," Evann cried as she made her way to the kitchen for a paper towel and some ice.

"Yeah well you hit back, pipsqueak," Shane growled.

"Here Evann, take this and put it on your nose. It'll make it stop bleeding and hurting,"

She almost flinched at the sight of blood. An image flashed across her mind when she saw it. Her mother was lying in the car, her side pouring blood onto the floor of the car, blood spattering all over her body as her mother coughed. She had to work to keep her lunch inside her. Turning to Shane she spoke.

"Don't hit Evann," she implored, "I'll be back in a little bit. I have to go pick up Davy."

"Fine but he was asking for it,"

"Was not."

"Was too ass hole!"

"Don't swear. I don't care how torn apart you two feel right now you don't have an excuse to be mean to each other. I don't want to have to deal with you fighting," she yelled and then knelt before them realizing she was letting her fear and sadness come out in the form of anger now too, "Mom's move on but we'll see her again. She's gone on to a better place, one even better than here."

"You promise?" Evann suddenly sounded so small and sad that she pulled him into another hug.

"I promise," Teresa replied, "and I bet she misses you, and I bet that she'd be telling you to stop behaving like brats and start acting like decent children right about now."

"Yeah?"

"Uh-huh,"

The boy seemed in agreement at that point, so she stood and left. The walk down the street was colder than it had been in the morning. A crisp strong breeze blew steadily on her, cutting through the nice linen shirt she wore. Her school shoes made noise as she walked seeing as they were not the running sneakers she usually wore. She almost past Mrs. Nelson's house but looked up just in time to see the little rock in the front yard that one of Mrs. Nelson's grandchildren had painted with the words Granny and Gammpy. She allowed herself to feel lightened by this before walking up the flagstone walk.

She reached forward and rang the doorbell, her arms tucked tightly across her chest. She brushed a tear off her eyelash and waited for Mrs. Nelson to answer the door. She rang it again knowing the old lady's hearing was not as good as it used to be and then door opened.

"Teresa, come in," Mrs. Nelson stepped aside and held open the door for her, "Would you like a cup of tea, dear?"

"Um, sure, why not?" she stood in the little door for a moment and glanced around.

Mrs. Nelson owned five white cats and one black cat. Everyone in the neighborhood speculated on how or why the old lady had attained the black cat but it was widely accepted that he was her favorite. Every year, Mrs. Nelson had five litters of kittens that she gave out to the neighborhood kids. Usually they were ready to go to new homes by mid to late September. Teresa sat on the couch and looked around to see if there was any sign of the black tom. It didn't seem there was but she found Davy rather quickly.

He was sitting in a cardboard box in the corner of the room. The front of the box had been cut out and inside were what looked to be a mass of gray, ginger, white and black fur. Davy held one of the kittens to his chest and wouldn't let the poor writhing thing go. Finally it seemed to give up because it became limp and she could hear a loud high rumble coming across the room. She wiped away a few tears again and moved down the couch.

"Weetha!" cried Davy and her tottered out of the box and over to her, the kitten still grasped tightly in his arms. It was ginger and white with luminescent green eyes.

Teresa bent down and lifted her brother from the floor into her lap. He looked up at her with bright green baby's eyes. Mrs. Nelson returned in that moment with two cups of tea. She set one on a coaster on the coffee table and held the other in her own hand taking a sip.

"I'm afraid that if I give away that kitten to anyone else, that child will hate me for the rest of my life," the old woman commented looking at the boy with a fond smile.

"Weenie," he pronounced proudly and held up the kitten for her to see.

"Weanie?" she asked surprised.

"No!" he snapped and forcefully handed her the kitten. He climbed down off the couch and tottered into the kitchen. When he came back he was holding something out for her to see.

Soon he was close enough for her to tell that it was a green crayon.

"Weenie!" he declared firmly.

"Greenie?" she asked.

He nodded.

"Did you name her that?"

He nodded again.

The girl looked from her brother to the kitten and then to Mrs. Nelson. She supposed she'd have to take the kitten now but she didn't know whether it was such a good idea. With the family being broken the way it was now she wasn't sure that bringing a new pet into the mix would be good. Still, Davy was happy.

"I'll take her," Teresa said, "I have to be going. I can't leave my other brothers alone for very long. They're not dealing with this well and have taken to fighting each other."

She stood and walked to the door. Mrs. Nelson followed her.

"Dear, if you or your father ever need any help, with anything, just call me. I'd be glad to watch Davy when your father can't and you are unavailable," the old woman gave her a pitying look and then retreated into her house.

She made her way back up the street, Davy and the kitten with her. She held the kitten with one arm and Davy was tottering along next to her. They passed a few neighbors and one walking a dog before reaching the house again. She took Davy up the, as he seemed tired after his long day, and put him in the crib. He fussed and fussed and finally she picked the kitten up from the floor of the room and placed it beside him in the crib. He grabbed the little cat and pulled it to him. The cat started to purr again, obviously liking the attention and Davy fell asleep, clutching her in his arms.

Teresa watched her young brother sleep for a little while before leaving the room. She heard the downstairs door slam shut and looked out the window to see that her dad's car was back in the driveway. He had gotten home.

"Tes?" he called.

She walked slowly down the stairs weary of finding anything more than her normal dad, but there he was. He looked slightly haggard and hopeless but clearly he wasn't drunk. He smiled at her and gave her a hug. When he let her go she brushed away a few tears from her eyes, her emotions having gotten the best of her again.

"How are you, honey?" he asked walking into the dining room and setting his briefcase on a desk in the corner.

"I'm alright," she replied.

"I know you are, you're my warrior. You'll fight through anything," he made his way into the kitchen and poured himself a cup of coffee before leaning sadly against the counter.

She poured herself a glass of milk from the fridge and then climbed onto the counter beside him.

"How are your brothers doing?" he asked.

"They're fighting some," she told her father.

Looking at him now, she saw that he was helpless. There was nothing she could do for him. He leaned against the counter with all the sagging appearance of an old man. She could see straight through him to his mind. She finished her milk and climbed off the counter.

"Davy has a kitten," she stated quietly, realizing she really didn't have the right to make the decision about the pet, "wouldn't leave Mrs. Nelson's without her. Sorry I didn't ask." When she looked up she saw he was looking thoughtful and then his face became all at once sad and blank again.

"It's okay. I have to go make some calls…" he said and placed the cup of coffee by the sink, half full and started to walk toward his room, "To the school and everything. See if they can excuse you for a day."

She watched her dad walk toward the stairs and heard him walk slowly down the upstairs hall. Teresa wandered in a daze to the couch where she stretched out, hugging a pillow to her chest and letting tears fall slowly down her cheeks into her mid-length dark hair. She reached behind her and grabbed the TV remote. With the touch of a few buttons she turned on the TV and lay on her side against the back of the couch watching the tube for hours without end until it was dark. Then she pulled herself up from the couch and climbed the stairs to her room, where she collapsed on the bed and cried herself to sleep.

The next week passed so slowly and yet so quickly that by the time the weekend came she had hardly had time to breathe or think. Teresa could feel time slipping from her as she fell into the routine of caring, endlessly for her brothers and father. Her grief became her iron shield which she learned to hide everything behind and soon she found that the only time for her to grieve in earnest was alone, before she slept. Each time she thought of something she wanted to ask her mother, or tell her as the days went by, she packed it away into a little box with the sadness it brought to her. It would then expand forth from her once she was alone in her room. Sometimes the crying lasted only for a few minutes before she relaxed and started on her book and sometimes she would cry into the early hours of the morning and then fall asleep with tears still falling from her eyes. Sunday mass came and went and a prayer was said for her mother. She lit a candle on her way out and then another four for her brothers and dad, something her mother always used to do. She figured now it was the time for her to take up that mantle.

The solid black dress hung limply in her closet as she approached it. She was not ready for this. Her mother was to be laid to rest now and she didn't want to watch her be lowered by that machine into the ground, but she had to. Slowly, without expression she slid off her black shirt and dark jeans. She slid the dress over her head and shoulders down to where it hung perfectly on her. The black gauze sleeves sparkled slightly from the little bits of metal that adhered to it. She slid on her shoes and then closed the closet. She walked from her room, getting accustomed to wearing heals again. Her brothers were wearing black as well and standing at the foot of the stairs with her dad. She walked past the staircase into Davy's room. Davy was asleep in his crib again and did not appreciate her waking him. She picked him up and put on his outfit despite the fit the toddler threw. With him perched, fidgeting, on her hip, she made her way down the stairs, pale faced and expressionless as she had become.

She fastened Davy into his car seat and then climbed into the passenger side of the car. Her dad got in next to her and her brothers into the back with Davy. Evann was already crying and Shane looking as though he would punch out the next person who said anything to him. She sighed and was shock at her own appearance in the side view mirror. She had lines in her face that hadn't been there before and several things seemed wrong about her. Without wanting to dwell on the subject she allowed herself to slip into the dormant 'tween' world where nothing mattered and where she was safe.

Once they reached the cemetery, she was surprised to see how many people waited there to say good-bye. She walked through the crowd, Davy tottering beside her, and came to stand where she could see the coffin of oak waiting on top of the mechanism that would lower her mother into her final resting place, far too soon. Davy looked up at her and she caught several tears on the back of her hand. The priest must have said something but what he had, she didn't hear. She heard the machine start to work and watched the coffin disappear beneath the ground, descending to six feet under.

a/n- wow depressing chapter but it had its moments. I'm in my element now at 1:30 in the morning. This is when I write best. I hope you enjoy my insight into Lisbon's life and I wonder whether you will still keep reading if the rating on this changes. We're going to skip a little bit of time to where Lisbon's father starts to become more frequently drunk and starts to keep alcohol in the house. We already know how she deals with it but how will Lisbon deal with raising four people at the age of twelve/thirteen? (I think she has like a March birthday but California has a Mediterranean Climate so I can't tell when the pony episode takes place. "Red Sauce" if you want to know the real name.) Anyway, it takes a while for someone to become a violent drunkard so they'll be a bit older. I'm giving you a warning now. There will be mature (but non-descriptive) concepts in later chapters, stuff like what you sometimes hear on the news. It is extremely important to the story that Lisbon looks like her mother. You'll understand what happens; I just don't want to go too far into it. I just felt the need to give you a heads up.


	4. The Peace of Violence

Teresa got off the bus. Her brothers followed her but unlike her they went into the house. She made her way down the street four houses and picked up Davy. Everything seemed normal. She kept thinking back a bit. She remembered quite clearly when it all had started but she didn't want to think about it anymore. About once a week she cried herself to sleep but other than that she was alright. Shane had become rather violent occasionally but he was working out of it. Evann was still sad, she could see it in him and he wore it openly without any desire to hide it but he never cried. Even he seemed to be getting better. The only one who hadn't was her father.

The last night he came home while she was washing dishes. He'd stumbled through the door and hadn't made it much farther than the threshold before vomiting. He did this from time to time, stumbling into the house almost unconscious, but it seemed to be happening more frequently. The more nights he spent out the more drunk he was when he came home.

She did what she usually did. She helped him to his room, or the bathroom, whichever she thought was necessary at the time and then gave him a towel. She would go back downstairs and clear up whatever mess he'd made and then go back up to talk him to sleep. It would take a long time and that was why she always made sure her brothers were busy doing something in their room once they were home. She didn't want them to see their dad falling apart. She always got her homework done while Davy was taking his nap and always made sure that they were fed by five. She never spent time with her friends anymore because she didn't know what might happen if she left her brothers alone and their dad came home drunk. They would certainly not know what to do.

After he was asleep, she glanced at the clock and saw with exasperation that it was four in the morning. She couldn't possibly make it through school on the two hours of sleep she managed to get. She went back to her room and slid inside lying down on her bed and staring at the calendar on the wall. The next day was her birthday, and she would be thirteen. Finally she would be a teenager. She knew that with her father being so drunk, he would probably not have remembered it and she would be left to find her own things but she would still be a teenager.

The clocked ticked endlessly on and still she didn't sleep. Her mind kept her awake with thoughts buzzing through it like annoying flies. She finally rolled over under the covers at a quarter to six and shut her eyes only to have them opened fifteen minutes later by the blaring, alarm clock by the closet. She threw a slipper at it but only succeeded in knocking it to the floor where it buzzed all the louder. She groaned and pulled herself up out of bed.

She dressed, tired beyond imaging and woke her brothers. Davy was in his room crooning to his half grown kitten and looking please with himself. She knew that look. It meant that he needed changed, something he found funny until the actual process took place and then he threw a fit. Once again, she felt herself wishing that her father would help her out with the rest of the family but instead, she was the glue that kept them from falling apart. She held onto him and her brothers and kept them from leaving.

She picked Davy up and set about changing the screaming child. Once he wore a clean diaper and was dressed in his clothes for the day, she put the kitten in the carrier and took him downstairs to get breakfast. Greenie never yowled when she was in the carrier; she was so used to it, it never bothered her. This was good because she doubted that Davy would go anywhere without the cat. Shane and Evann sat at the counter looking tired and incoherently babbled about sleep and the lack there of. She glared at them and then pulled out the cheerios and four bowls. Davy was excitedly banging on the table part of his highchair.

"Davy, shhh… Dad's sleeping," she said as she turned to them all with the cereal.

Her bowl she set at the empty chair on the counter and then went about trying to feed the squirming Davy his breakfast. It had become clear to her that though Davy probably didn't remember her, their mother's death had come as a great setback to him. He seemed a bit immature for being two and a half. Usually a toddler had learned to feed itself by now, but she supposed eventually he would learn. She didn't have the knowledge to properly teach him how to be a proper toddler. It was yet another morning with no breakfast, as Davy had refused to eat his meal without much pushing on her part and finally she forced her hand behind his head to keep it from turning while she forced the food down his throat. With that done, she cleaned the rest of it off his face and carried him out the door, backpack on her back and her brothers following her.

"Hey!" Jenna interrupted her mental making of a grocery list between classes with the sudden comment.

"What?" she asked more forcefully than she meant to.

"I didn't think you were paying attention. Do you have a date for the Birthday Party at Eric's?" she asked, "I'm going with Markus, but I wondered if we could double date."

"I can't go Jen," she sighed and felt like slamming her head against her locker. She couldn't leave her brothers at home alone to deal with their dad's drunken moods.

"Why not? You haven't had any fun since…" Jen's voice trailed off and she looked away for a moment.

Teresa looked at her friend for a moment but didn't want to explain. She could feel the ever familiar sadness creeping back into her again, like a poison.

"I just can't," she replied and slammed her locker shut after pulling the book out.

"Alright, I won't ask you about it but if you ask me you seem really on edge lately," Jen seemed taken aback by her behavior as they made their way to their next class.

"I have a lot going on alright? It's not easy having to…" she trailed off mid phrase.

"Having to what?" Jen poked.

"Nothing, just nothing," they had reached the class and the conversation ceased.

She opened her notebook and course book and watched the teacher begin instruction, feverishly writing notes at a breakneck pace, copying down everything the teacher said perfectly in an outline. Since her mother's death she had poured herself at her schoolwork to make sure it didn't suffer from her stress and depression. The teachers seemed to think that this complete reversal of typical behavior was strange and forced her to attend mandatory grief counseling classes with the guidance counselor every Monday, Wednesday and Friday during lunch. This was convenient because she was able to completely tune out the guidance counselor.

The class ended and she left the room as quickly as possible. She liked to avoid speaking with anyone if she could. Most people were rude or irritating.

"Hey," someone spoke from behind her and she turned to see that David was there.

"Hi," she replied suddenly shy. She'd not talked to David in a while but she'd seen him watching her occasionally and even had watched him at some times.

"Hey, I was wondering… if you were going with someone to Eric's party this weekend?" David was asking her out.

"I'm actually not going," she replied her heart sinking.

"I was wondering if you wanted to come with me?" he asked.

"I…" she thought about it for a moment," she could find some way to keep her brothers in their room for a while couldn't she. So that she only had to worry about her dad when she got home? "Sure." She answered and she saw David smile.

"Great! I'll walk you there at seven." He planned.

"Yeah, but hey, we can't stay long. I have to be home to put Davy to bed," she said without thinking.

"Davy?" for a moment the boy sounded worried but curious.

"My little brother. He's two and a half," she answered.

"Oh, well sure I guess. I don't have a problem with leaving early anyway. I'm flying under the radar right now. My parents don't know I'm taking a girl to the party or that it takes place during the night. I doubt they would let me go if they knew. It works out well that you have to been home early."

Teresa wondered for a moment whether he was just trying to make her feel better but it didn't seem as though he was regretting this conversation.

"Before I forget. Do you mind if we hang around Markus and Jenna?" she asked quickly, "Jen wanted to double date and I told her no, but that was when I wasn't able to go to the party."

"I guess not," he replied but did not sound enthusiastic about the idea.

"Thanks," she was grateful he wasn't going to make a fuss about it. She knew Jen would never forget it is she went to the party anyway.

She gathered her things and headed for the cafeteria. David came with her holding her hand. Lunch was a disgusting affair that came in the form of food that was probably better suited for dogs and pigs than humans. Jen was already in line talking to a girl named Marisa that Teresa herself neither like nor got along with very well. Marisa had a posse of girls that hung out with her and they were the kind of girls that would say one thing to your face and another to your back. She knew that they like to speculate about why she was never allowed to come to social activities and sometimes, more recently, started to change her last name.

Perhaps now that she had David with her she could avoid such comments. Whether she hated PDA or not she wished to make a lasting impression on the girl and her friends so she randomly stopped and abruptly kissed David. He seemed extremely surprised and she wondered whether he'd ever been kissed before but probably not. They were only thirteen and in seventh grade, he probably had never had a girlfriend of any significance before this though now that she thought about it they weren't really to that point yet. She broke away and then proceeded to pull him into the cafeteria. She had her other hand in her pocket and it was closed around something. When she pulled it out and looked at it she saw the note from the boy at the circus.

Her heart clenched and she could feel the onslaught of tears coming as she looked at it. Why was she on such an emotional rollercoaster right now? If she could ask anything, she would beg to be allowed off this set of tracks and turn her life around. She swallowed the lump in her throat and forced her eyes to let the tears dry up. Her hand slid the note back into the pocket and she gave David a falsely happy smile.

"Hey, Resa!" Jen greeted excitedly, "Hey does this mean that you're going to the party?"

Teresa nodded. Jen jumped forward and hugged her and then David.

"I have to go find Mark and tell him that we will be going with you guys after all," Jen seemed so extremely excited that when she raced off Teresa was still looking a bit stunned.

When she regained presence of where she was, she saw that Marisa was staring at her. Her cronies were behind her looking a mix of shocked and bewildered.

"Hello," Marisa greeted in a voice falsely pleasant.

"Hi, have you met David, Marisa? We're going to the party together," she looked completely unassuming as though she had no idea Marisa wasn't being friendly.

"Wow, congratulations. I hope you have a good time," Marisa smiled sweetly and then left, her posse following her.

"Bye," Teresa continued being selectively naïve.

Playing mind games with people was something she didn't like to do unless it came to Marisa and her posse. She loved to push their buttons by pretending she found nothing offensive about their tones or their phrases because it pissed them off so much.

She gathered her lunch on the tray and made her way to a seat at one of the long tables. David sat beside her still looking slightly dazed. They began to make conversation and he seemed to snap out of it.

Teresa looked through the phone's messages as she walked through the door, Davy on her opposite hip, as usual. He was pulling her hair rather hard. There was one from the elementary school. She pressed the play button and listened.

"Hello, Mr. Lisbon, this is the school secretary, Mrs. Tyler. I wondered if you could set up a meeting with the school guidance counselor. Shane has been acting out violently recently and we're worried he might be having difficulties with his grief. We find that it would be best to find someone to monitor him for a while and ensure that he is stable. Thank you and have a nice day," the phone clicked and she glared at it.

It would have to be her father to handle this. She couldn't. They would not allow a nearly thirteen year old girl to make appointments for her ten year-old brother. It just wasn't how the system worked. She prayed that in some way her dad wouldn't be drunk when he got home. She held the mail in her hand as she put Davy down and walked to the kitchen flipping through the letters and magazines. Most of the magazines and catalogs ended up in the garbage but she kept the one where she picked out clothes for herself and forced her brothers to circle some things. It sat beside the refrigerator on the counter along with the bills.

The girl walked up the staircase, helping Davy climb the stairs with her. Once she reached the top, she let Davy go and he made a bee line straight for the open door of Evann and Shane's room. She watched and listened for a moment and once she was sure no fighting had ensued with the appearance of her youngest brother, she went to her own room.

There were three things she had to do in the way of schoolwork before she had to make dinner. One was an English paper on "The Road Not Taken" her selection from their chapter on poetry, and a personal favorite. The second was a science experiment on how to make a circuit, something she'd done so many times in her school years that she had no need to do the experiment. The third and last but possibly most tedious, was an American History paper on the Declaration of Independence, in which they were supposed to interpret what the Thomas Jefferson meant as he wrote it. Why would anyone care about what some seventh grader thought the third president meant when he wrote the document that freed America? She wrote papers as quickly as she felt she was able to without jeopardizing her grade, something she'd gotten particularly good at since her mother's death and then made her way downstairs at the slamming of the front door.

Her father was home. This was the third night this week, the third consecutive night. He was so drunk this time he seemed to not know who she was. His eyes never seemed to focus and his steps were so unsteady that she didn't think he'd make it more than a few steps without her help. There was no way she was getting him up the stairs and this posed a problem. Teresa had to feed her brothers somehow but she didn't want them to come across this. There was too much there for them to find and for them to be afraid of.

She guided him to the couch and was already on her way for the garbage can and the towels the moment she set him down. She bit her lip as she considered what to do. She could always take the food upstairs. It wouldn't hurt them to have dinner in their room for once, so long as she enforced clean up after they were done. Glancing at the clock she swore. Profanity had come with the sudden reasons to become a responsible adult. Where had the time gone? It was nearly seven. She didn't have time to make dinner so she picked up the phone and made a quick call for home delivery pizza.

Her gaze fell on her dad again. She would have to get the wallet from him and that had never been easy. He always fought or made comments that raised the hair on her neck, especially when he didn't recognize her. He never seemed to remember how old she was anymore. The other dad he thought that she was twenty and the day after that she had been six. There was no rhyme or reason to what his mind concluded. She approached him warily, making sure he did not appear as though he were about to throw up and then sat down beside him. She had to work her hand into his pocket to grab the wallet, a feat that proved every bit as difficult as it sounded. She came through it victorious and pulled the allotted amount of money from the folded leather before setting it on the counter. She'd need it for lunch money and after school grocery shopping.

The doorbell rang exactly half an hour later and she answered it with a smile. The pizza boy smiled back and the surprisingly tipped his delivery hat at her.

"I should have known it was your order. It's just the same thing every week," he continued to grin as he waved and walked back to the van. She shut the door and glanced at her father, who was buried in his garbage can, and then grabbed some paper towel on her way up the stairs.

Her brothers greeted the pizza with enthusiasm for it that was rarely merited by anything else. It was something akin to a joy that came to a girl who had gotten a horse, or their mother back, she thought ruefully. It was something she'd never voice aloud around her brothers but she really wished she didn't have to be their female support. She wished, for the second time that day, that she could be just like everyone else and have her mother there to care for them.

"Shane, can I talk to you for a moment?" she asked after her brother had made it halfway through his fourth piece of pizza. She'd eaten one so that she would have the time to feed Davy his. He had fussed but not overly much. She had noticed that her size two jeans were starting to become lose and knew she wasn't eating enough but she didn't have time to think about it. Shane glowered at her for a moment before nodding and following her out of the room.

"Shane, why are you being violent?" she asked once they were out of earshot.

"I'm no…" he trailed off as he saw the look of irritation blossoming across her face.

"The school called our home today and said that you were being violent." She shoved his hopes of lying into the ground. She could see him debating a 'well they must have dialed the wrong number' statement but he didn't.

"Mom died." He answered and then walked away.

She watched through the door for a moment before moving forward and scooping Davy from the floor. He was tired and she knew if he didn't get to be now, he wouldn't be pleasant to wake in the morning. She went to her room after changing him and making him go to sleep, of course putting Greenie beside him in the crib. She watched his little chest rise and fall for a moment, the cat curled up beside him looking peaceful. Her protective nature was taking over after so many months of caring for her younger brothers; she was beginning to feel more like their mother than their sister.

Teresa sighed and left Davy's room. Her Evann met her at the door to their room with a worried look on his face. She gave him a questioning glance and then grabbed him around the waist and hauled him to the bathroom. One question was running through her mind. "Why?"

Evann was fine by morning. He had simply eaten too much, something she didn't doubt as she'd left Shane and him alone with the pizza for a fair amount of time and there was little left to be spoken for by the time she returned. When all was said and done, the week had been a crappy one. Too much had happened. So she didn't expect much from her impending night out.

She had never been to a party, but she didn't have high hopes for this one. It was thrown by Eric and his older brother Craig, who was a senior. Eric had never been the best socially and wasn't even much a looker. Still, there was a small light at the end of the tunnel for the party and she hoped that maybe it would fall into that small fraction of light still left.

The doorbell rang at promptly at seven o-clock. She smiled at David's punctuality and wondered why she wasn't getting the butterflies in her stomach that she had expected she would. She did still like David and she hoped it would be a good date. She did have to leave early though and that kept nagging on the back of her mind.

Teresa opened the door to find David in a leather jacket and nice cords. She was fairly surprised because he was, predominately a sport guy who seemed to own very few clothing articles that didn't possess sports labels or team numbers. To date he was on the baseball, basketball, football and soccer teams at the middle school. She smiled lightly at him and then took his hand.

"Hello," she greeted, now the butterflies had started.

"Shall we go then?" David asked and he seemed likewise afflicted.

Teresa nodded and then walked out her door shutting it behind her. The walk to the party was pleasant, the early spring air already warm though it was slowly creeping toward nightfall. The sun cast long shadows across the ground as they walked together talking amiably.

"So," David grinned at her, "What do you do for fun?"

"Fun?" she didn't mean it to come out as a question but it did.

"Yes," he laughed, "What do you do when you're not doing schoolwork or sleeping. You know, in your spare time."

"I don't have spare time," she replied, "I take care of my brothers, work on schoolwork and then go to bed," she thought for a moment, "Sometimes I read before going to bed."

"That works. What did you like to do before… well… you know,"

She felt her eyes fill again and cursed her luck, "I used to draw a lot. Sometimes I'd go rollerblading or ride a bike. I liked to sing, to myself."

"Were you any good?" he asked.

"Probably not," she replied blushing a bit, "I really didn't like to sing in front of people."

"Would you sing for me?" he asked.

"What?" she stopped and looked at him for a moment debating whether she would or not.

"I want to see whether you are any good or not," he answered.

"You won't pressure me into trying out for plays or solos or choir if you like my voice?" she warned.

"Never," his voice was earnest yet eager.

She bit her lip before looking around and then snapping, "Fine."

They were at a complete stop in the middle of the sidewalk and the sun was nearly set. Life had come to that tween time between day and night called twilight that seemed to make the world stop in its blur shadows and gray/gold lights. She was a soprano; she knew that much from church choir. She hadn't sung since her mother had died and wasn't sure how she would sound.

She ended up choosing a simple childhood tune that was very cliché but she knew it well

"Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens. Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens. Brown paper packages tied up with strings, these are a few of my favorite things," she stopped surprised that she hadn't sounded half bad, "I'm not going any farther."

"You're really good, Resa," David looked as surprised as she felt, "You really could go places with that."

"I'm not that good and I don't want to talk about it anymore," she felt suddenly lowered in spirits. The song had reminded her of her mother. Maria Lisbon had sung that for her when she was extremely little and singing had been the only way to get her to sleep. She suspected it was the Irish blood in her that made her sing like she did. Despite herself, she let a few tears slide down her cheeks and fall onto the ground. David did not notice but continued to chatter about unimportant things.

Teresa glanced around once they reached the party, wondering if she should wait for Jen and Marcus or just go in and have some fun before her friend go there. David kept talking and didn't seem to notice that she was paying very little attention. Her mind had wandered to other places. She didn't care that she was there with the very boy she'd had a crush on since the fourth grade; she was worried about her brothers and her father. What if he did come home and she wasn't there to protect them from his drunken behavior. Just the night before, her father had come home drunk the sixth time in a row. He'd been angry about something at work and when she'd tried to help him he'd aimed a backhanded slap to her face. Stunned she'd done nothing and blocked it from her mind but she wondered what would happen if her came home even more drunk while she wasn't there and her brothers pissed him off. She hoped that nothing of the sort would happen ever but especially not on this night.

"Hey, Teresa, do you want to dance?" David had grabbed her hand and was looking at her nervously.

"What?" she was startled from her thoughts by the question.

"Do you want to-"

"Yes of course," she replied with a false smile her mind having comprehended what he'd asked.

"Great," He pulled slightly on the hand that he was holding and she followed him out into the open area in the center of the room.

Teresa blinked a few times as they started to dance surprised that he was so good at dancing. She let him guide her around for a while, feeding on his movements and trying to forget her fears but she couldn't, they were too prevalent in her mind. David seemed to sense her discomfort after a while and began to become more distant. His focus drifted to one of the other girls in the room. She knew she was losing him now, losing is liking for her and pushing him away but she did nothing to stop him from continuing on the path that he was.

"Teresa do you even want to be here with me?" he finally snapped as her steps became more clumsy and she began to bump into him.

"Yes, I really do I just…" she paused knowing he would not understand, "I'm worried about my brothers."

"You said your dad was going to be home," David argued, "You have no reason to be worried about them."

"I never said that…" vaguely she remembered assuring him that everything would be fine because her dad would be there to watch her brothers.

"You did Teresa, you did." He snapped, "Look would you rather go home and just forget about this?"

"No I'd like to stay," she replied calmly and placed a kiss on his cheek, "I want to stay."

He looked as though he was considering her and then he nodded, "Fine but I'm not going to be hanging around if you keep drifting off like you have been."

"Alright," she nodded, "Do you want to eat something?"

The rest of the night was awkward. Neither seemed to be enjoying themselves and they seemed to only drift farther apart.

"I'm going to go dance with Daisy," David said, the girl he'd been watching earlier on his arm as he returned from the punch bowl.

"Alright, I'm going to head home David," she answered in a resigned fashion that made her seem much older than thirteen.

"You know, you don't… you…" he looked put off, disappointed, but she was not going to let it affect her.

She turned and left, walking out the front door not even acknowledging the fact that she was upset until she was well away from the party. It was three streets to her house and it should probably have taken about fifteen minutes to walk it but instead, her pace got her there possibly half an hour later. She had some tears in her eyes, partially from anger and partially from disappointment that David could not be more open minded. Teresa licked her lips and looked up at the door that was at the end of the walk. That was when she heard the yell. It was a cry of fear, and pain, and it tore through her.

Thinking of nothing but that sound, she ran the rest of the way to the house. Her hands fumbled over the key, dreading what she would find once she opened the aluminum door. Fear had her blood running fast through her veins. She was sure it was one of her brothers and sure that her father had done something or come home earlier than he usually did. The lock clicked and the door swung inward. For a moment she was frozen in shock, her brain and nerves going numb with raw fear. Evann sat on the floor sobbing and screaming a hand covering his cheek. Shane seemed to be as frozen as she was. She could here Davy upstairs screaming and yelling, luckily innocent to what had happened downstairs.

Her eyes fixed on the swaying form of her father and she knew her decision to go out had been one of the most dangerous she'd made in her entire life. Anger caught her, unfreezing her mind. She rushed forward and gathered Evann in her arms pulling him from the room and just barely missing the boot moving toward her. Shane yell something that she didn't catch, her ears seemed so busy absorbing her thoughts that she could not hear properly, and then abruptly stopped. Once Evann was on his way up to the bathroom, she turned and saw that her own father was holding Shane by the throat.

"Dun ya ere say sumn ta me lau tha agin, boy!" he growled.

She sprinted forward, and grabbed his hands trying to pry them open to release her brother. Shane's face was red as he fought for breath. Teresa aimed a punch at her father's nose but missed and hit his cheek. Though it was nowhere near hard or well placed, his drunkenness allowed for him to falter, his grip loosening and releasing as he struggle for balance. Shane slipped from his grasp and lay on the carpet gasping. Her father had regained enough balance that he was able to aim kick at the boy. It hit Shane in the ribs and more precious air evaded her brother. She got her hands in front of him and fought him as he aimed kick and punch at her until he was completely trapped against the wall.

"Shane, get upstairs!" she ordered, "Do it now! Help your brother and lock yourselves in the bathroom."

She did not wait to see if her obey but rather grabbed a handful of her father's business shirt in her hands and glared at him. There was nothing she would have like better than to hit him right now, to let her frustration and anger at him for making her life and her brother's so damn miserable but she knew there was nothing she could say now that he would understand. It would probably only make him angrier. She couldn't risk that.

"Calm down," Teresa forced her voice to remain level and soothing, using the same tone she used when she had cared for her brother the other night, "There's nothing you can do. Hurting us won't help. You need to relax and leave us alone. Go to your room and go to sleep. I'll bring you something later."

She felt the tension leave her father body and suddenly he was sobbing and muttering about things she couldn't understand. His words were slurred together and his sobs rendered the word indiscernible. Teresa unwound her hands from his work shirt, ready to leave and return to her room but she was stopped. A jolt of fear went through her but then she realized that it was only her father clinging to her for support as he cried, loudly and drunkenly. Despite herself, her anger evaporated and she wrapped her arms around him, holding his head to her shoulder as she had once seen her mother do when he had learned his mother had died. All she could feel now was pity and fear.

a/n- Drunk dad makes for a very bad time. Drunk abusive dad makes for and even worse time. But we all know she sticks with it. This was another horrific and depressing chapter I think.

You decide and let me know,

Wotcher,

Tabitha


	5. Misconceptions

Her footsteps echoed in the school stairwell, as she walked, laden with books in her bag. Exhaustion filled her. The longer she carried on has her brothers' mother and her father's caretaker the more tired she became. So much of her was wasted on keeping him from killing her and her brothers in his drunken anger. She could feel herself fading, see it in the mirror everyday as she got ready for school, and yet she fought telling someone determined to deal with it on her own.

Teresa's shoulder throbbed and she felt fairly certain that she had a large bruise over her shoulder blade on her back. In the months since her birthday, her father's violence had increased to almost double what it had been the first night. Each time his thrashing and hitting grew worse and harder for her to control but each time, with all her resolve, she was able to calm him. Tonight she was certain wouldn't be anything different. After five o-clock, she would send her brothers upstairs to do their homework and she would wait for her father to get home.

"Resa!" she heard Jen coming down the stairs behind her and knew that it would be impossible to leave the building without her friend seeing her.

Jen had been in Florida visiting her family. Consequently, she had not really seen her since she had begun to lose large amounts of weight and look like the walking dead.

"Resa! Wait up!" Jen grabbed her elbow and spun her around.

The smile on her friend's face quickly disappeared. Shock covered it. Teresa turned her head away and stared off into the long hallway. She wished her friend hadn't seen this.

"Resa," Jenna breathed as though unsure what else to say, "I left you two months ago and expected to find you looking the same as you did then. What has happened?"

"It's nothing Jen; I'm fine," she rummaged in her pocket for the list of supplies she would get at the grocery store on her way home.

"It's not nothing; are you okay?"

"I just told you that I was fine," she grimaced and Jen placed a hand on her bruised shoulder.

"You're not fine. You're not fine at all. What is going on? You look like the walking dead!" Jen exclaimed anxiously.

"It's nothing to worry about, Jen; I just didn't get much sleep last night, that's all," Teresa looked at the ground.

"You didn't get enough sleep? You don't look like you died and nobody told you because you didn't get any sleep for one night," Jen look worried and then grabbed her arm to stop her as she began to walk away.

She reacted on reflex, twisting away from Jen with a jerk and then swinging her hand around to hit her. Fear raced through her veins until it registered in her mind that she'd hit her best friend. Teresa looked and saw that not only had she hit her but she'd probably broken her nose. She'd had no idea she was so strong. Fishing in her bag, she pulled out a Kleenex and handed it to Jen, apologizing profusely. There was blood down the front of Jen's shirt and all over her hands and the floor. Several people passing on their way to the busses slowed to stare at the spectacle.

"Jen, I'm so sorry… I don't know what… I… I didn't mean to," Teresa reached out to her friend but the other girl stepped back.

"Don't!" Jen snapped but it came out slightly muffled, "You hit me!"

"I swear I didn't mean to Jen," she was pleading with herself as much as with Jen. I didn't want to hurt you."

"All I wanted to know was what was wrong and you hit me!"

Teresa reached out to her again, not knowing what else to do. Jen swatted her away with her free hand and then glared. The other girl stalked off to the nurse's office without so much as a forgiving glance at the brunette she was leaving behind. Tears came to her eyes as she tried valiantly to stop the oncoming tide. She could feel a great pain in her chest and a building sense of betrayal and anger.

She was about to leave the bus when she noticed that there was a person staggering down the street. The sun was in the sky still and she had not expected to see the figure until long after the sun had gone down. The bus came to a stop and she climbed down the steps onto the grass between the sidewalk and the road. Her brothers followed her.

"Go to your rooms and do your homework," she ordered.

"Resa!"

"Now!" she snapped raising her voice slightly and giving them a look that clearly showed that they shouldn't argue but do as she said.

Shane gave her an angry look that was filled with such malice and defiance she was actually surprised. Teresa glanced at Evann and saw he looked hurt and upset. When he cast his sad gray/green eyes on her, she was forced to shake her head in response and then jerked it toward the house. The two boys made their way toward the house with a dejected gait.

Behind her watchful gaze, the bus pulled away from the curb and on down through the suburban streets. She could hear the sound of the tires which somehow seemed over real. Teresa squeezed her eyes shut for a moment, taking a deep breath and recovering her ability to reason. And there was her father, stumbling around the front yard, more alcohol in him than there would be in a soaking bath towel. She dropped her school bag on the ground and walked cautiously toward him taking note of the half-drunk bottle of Wild Turkey in his hand that she'd realized in the last two months could be used as a brutal weapon.

"Dad?" she called out to him, still three feet from him," Dad why don't you come inside?"

"Inside?" his voice slurred together and when he looked up at her, his gaze was watery and bloodshot.

She felt her heart crunch as it always did, pitying his confused and lost nature rather than allowing anger to overtake he body.

"Yes, inside. It's going to rain soon and I don't think you want to be out here. You'll get terribly wet," she suggested calmly and with a voice clearly stating that she wished he would but he was not obligated to.

Her father misread it and started shouting.

"You are my daughter. Who are you to tell me what to do?"

"I'm not telling you what to do, Dad," she felt herself shrink away, slightly but her resolve would not allow her to run like she wanted to.

"Yes you are. You're always telling me what to do. 'go inside, Dad', 'go to bed, Dad', Eat something, Dad. Day in and day out I hear my only daughter tell me exactly what I am supposed to do.

"I'm only doing it for you Dad. Losing mum was…" he cut her off.

"BITCH! How dare you bring you mother up. It's your fault she's dead; she had to go and pick you up from that blasted circus. She didn't have to. You could have just left with your stupid friend," the bottle swung around and connected with her hand. Splitting pain burst through it and she knew she would have to wrap it tightly.

Teresa let her hand drop to her side shoving her pain from her mind. She was still small, still only thirteen years-old, barely a teenager and here was her father broad shouldered and tall, drunker than she had ever seen him before facing her with a heavy empty bourbon bottle. Without thought, though she could feel the knuckles of her injured hand grinding together, grating with her effort, she stepped toward him reaching her hand out beyond the threshold of the door to touch one of her father's arms.

"Dad, please, come inside. I don't want you to get sick," tears welled in her eyes as she tried to push aside the accusations he had made but she fought to control them, keeping them from spilling over the edge.

Her dad's eyes flared and before he could hit her she leapt away. The swinging bottle drove her back to the staircase. Her little brothers were up there and there was no way that she would let him anywhere near them in such a state of drunkenness. She braced herself as the glass smashed into her shoulder and a fist connected with her gut followed by the bottle again. Her tongue and lips, already dry and cracked from her lack of self awareness, were bleeding from her efforts not to scream as the bourban bottle smashed into her. She could not hold onto her indifference. She cried a long shrill shriek that brought Evan out of the room he shared with his brother. The young boy looked as though he were close to attempting to protect her.

"Go back to your room Evan!" she choked but the boy advanced toward the top stair, "NOW!"

Teresa felt guilt flow through her as she saw his eyes widen in hurt and fear but she cast him nothing more than a glare. Evann, however, did not leave but remained frozen in one spot unmoving, as though solidified by fear. She gritted her teeth as the bottle slammed into her jaw. Blood pooled in her mouth from her tongue and she braced herself in the entrance of the stair trying to find a good center point from which to aim a punch that would knock him out. He missed her this time and collided with the wall breaking the bottle. She withstood the beating but now one hand held a broken bottle and the other was balled into a fist. Her own balled fist snapped forward then and missed. A gash opened from her right elbow to her wrist. Blood flowed out of it and dripped onto the tan/white carpet. His fists connected with her stomach and Teresa fought the urge to vomit, tears welling in her eyes as she doubled over in pain. The future agent brought her knee up and knocked the man down.

Teresa watched her father fall and then punched him in the temple with her good hand. He didn't pass out as he should have but aimed a good hard punch at her chin. She let out a choking cough black spots dancing dangerously before her eyes but she fought the coming blackness, turning her head toward the staircase she looked into Evann's terrified green eyes ignoring the fist that slammed into her head.

"Evann, Please," her voice was weak and even from here she could see the tears running down her brother's face, "Please go back to your room; lock the door." Swing a hand forward she brought the butt of it into the bridge of her father's nose. Blood spattered onto her clothes from his nostrils. The alcohol should have made it easy to knock him out but he seemed to be fighting her for the sake of fighting now. She had a knee pressed into his chest in an effort to keep him down but he was too strong. Her father's arms pushed her off and rolled her onto her back. He got clumsily to his feet and swung a steel toed boot into her side. And Teresa knew no more.

Blood was pooled and dried on the carpet next to her. Her tongue was thick with the metallic taste and so swollen she could hardly breathe past it. It felt as though someone was sitting on her chest holding a metal box filled with ball bearings. She placed her right hand on the ground and whimpered with pain as her side stung and burned and fire laced through her hand. She tried the other way and succeeded with pain to her ribs. For a few moments she sat in the darkness on her knees, hands pressed into the sticky scarlet stain on the carpet.

a/n- Yet another chapter in which we get abuse. It's a bit shorter than the last few but I think it went along just fine. This is my last reserve chapter but I'm well into the next one. So worry not. My goal is to update all of my stories this week. Let me know what you think.

Wotcher,

Tabitha


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